Do you have troubles finding a dance partner because all the other dancers are couples and their partners (husbands, girlfriends, wives, boyfriends and so on) do not like you dancing with them?
It’s not an uncommon problem.
I have spoken with a number of subscribers to my email list, my blog readers and facebook fans who have this issue. In fact, I have spoken with so many, I decide to find out what can be done to help people in this situation.
To find out why people might dislike another person dancing with their better halves, I conducted a survey of the fans of The Inner game of dance facebook page. I asked people what would make them less comfortable or more comfortable with another person dancing with their partner.
I did not ask them to think of what they thought would affect it. Instead I offered a list of scenarios. This meant that people completing the survey would find it easier to share their feelings on the subject, but it also meant that I might have missed some key issues – this should be kept in mind as the results of the survey are analysed.
The scenarios given were:
- If I were a better dancer, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine, then
- If I danced better than the person dancing with my partner, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was younger, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was older, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was attractive, then
- If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner, then
- If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
- If it was in a familiar environment and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
- If I had just had a disappointing dance lesson and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was popular at the venue, then
- If the person dancing with my partner was wealthier, then
To each of these scenarios the person was asked to choose one of the following three options:
- I would be less bothered by it.
- it would make little difference.
- I would be more bothered by it.
You can see the survey here if you are interested - https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/L6MXCV3
By finding which scenarios were more likely to induce a negative or positive response a single dancer will be better able to find a dance partner who might already be in a relationship at a social dance event.
Let’s first look at the responses of the men
The top three scenarios that would make men more comfortable with another man dancing with their partners were:
- If I were a better dancer
- If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher
- If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine
The top three scenarios that would bother men most were:
- If the person dancing with my partner was attractive
- If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
- If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner
Now the above can be compared with responses from the women.
The top four things that would make women more comfortable were :
- If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher
- If the person dancing with my partner was older
- If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine
- If it was in a familiar environment and someone else was dancing with my partner
The two top things that bothered women the most were:
- If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner
- If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner
What do the results mean for single dancers?
Two issues were common to men and women. They had a preference for familiar places and preferred their partners dancing with a teacher. This suggests that people would like to be reassured that it is just dancing. Teachers are there for dance and if the place is familiar, then the intensions of others are better understood.
No matter if you are a man or a woman looking for a partner to dance with, make it clear that it is dance that you love. Maybe even try acting like a teacher – without coming off as being full of yourself. Talk to the partner (of the person you would like to dance with) about dance, the things that make dance fun, the things you notice about people who are good to dance with and those who are not. Do not go overboard, you will look suspicious, but by focusing on dance you can make it clear that that is what your intensions are.
This is amplified by trust. Both men and women preferred their partners dancing with friends. Try to be friends and develop trust with the people at any dance event and you should find it easier to dance with their partners.
There is also the issue of security. Both men and women would be less likely to feel comfortable with another person dancing with their partner if they had recently had a fight. This can be hard to pick so you’re best looking for a couple that seem happy together.
Along with security is self-assuredness.
Men would feel better if they themselves were better dancers, suggesting that they dislike their partners dancing with men who are good dancers. Women would prefer their partners dancing with someone older, suggesting that they dislike their partners dancing with younger more attractive women.
You can’t make yourself older and you would rather not dance poorly.
But it’s not you; it’s them.
They need to feel better about themselves. There is only so much you can do about this, but certainly a genuine compliment can help. If you have already become friends with the people there, then your compliments will be genuine. If someone feels better in themselves, then they are more likely to be OK with someone else dancing with their partner. If the source of this better feeling is you, then they will feel even better with you dancing with their partner. We all like compliments – keep them genuine (everyone does something that deserves a compliment), and you will not only have more partners to dance with, but you will make other people feel better.
Gotta love that!
