Dance Better Now

How to tell if a lady wants to dance

On the weekend just gone, I was at a street Latin event with a friend who started dancing around the same time as me. We started talking about picking ladies to ask to dance. Part of the conversation was how to pick a lady that would be fun to dance with or one who would be a good dancer. However, the major topic of conversation was how to pick a lady who would say 'yes'. It turns out that I had a few more insights than others so I decided to share these with you.

Many men do worry about asking a woman to dance and have her decline the offer. It would be good if it was the case that men would never say ‘no’ to an invite from a lady, and we men could simply sit back and wait, but I have seen men too decline invites in the past (which really surprised me to see). Thus, if you are a man and you want to dance, then you are going to have to learn to ask.

The easiest way is to look for women who are putting out the signals like those recommended here – http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm. Ladies, if you would like to be asked more, then the content of that page cannot be recommended enough. I have had female friends use it, and simply never be off the dance floor when they want to dance and use this new found power.

However, not all women know how to consciously send the signals to indicate that they would like to be asked for a dance. That means you need to look for the unconscious signs. However, let’s first talk about why this should even be an issue.

Why do men worry about women saying ‘no’ to a dance?

• No one likes rejection, and this is a type of rejection.
• If one person says ‘no’, then it might set a precedence of others saying ‘no’, and you will feel worse.
• You might worry that the lady you asked saw you dance and has declined because she thinks you are a poor dancer. If you never ask, then you need not confront this possibility.
• There is a sexuality to dance, and thus the social stakes are higher. It’s not something like offering someone a drink, or offering someone help, or letting someone know that they dropped something.

Now that we have some idea of why we worry, it’s worth putting somethings into perspective:

• If someone says ‘no’, then it is usually them, and not you, so always keep in mind that it is not really rejection. This can be harder to accept when a new dancer, but trust me, it’s true. However, for example, many say ‘no’ if they lack faith in their ability, and that could be the reason why.
• You can always walk to another part of the dance event and ask another so the next person you ask does not see the rejection. You can also go back and talk to your friends for a period and then ask another so there is no perceived cycle of ongoing rejection. Finally, just remember, most people were looking somewhere else, and didn’t even see the rejection.
• It’s just dance. So it’s not a major social contract.

Keep the above points in mind and you will at least feel better about asking someone to dance.

Now let’s talk about picking someone who wants to dance:

1. Look at the feet, if a lady’s feet are pointed at the dance floor, then that’s an indication of where she wants to be. If she wants to be on the floor, then she is more likely to respond with a ‘yes’.
2. Look to see if she seems lost. When a lady wants to dance, she will often not be interested in other things going on. This desire for something one does not have often makes us look a little lost.
3. If she keeps looking at the dance floor, then that’s another indication. Even if she is talking to someone, she will likely rather be dancing, and would say ‘yes’ if asked to dance.
4. If a friend she was talking to has just been asked to dance, then she will be more inclined to want the same. If you are a beginner dancer, then you can friend up with someone who is more experienced, and knows who to ask someone to dance. You can then together ask a pair of women for a dance, which makes it easier for all concerned: no-one is left behind and no one left someone behind.
5. If you are offered a conditional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because she is unsure of her skills, then put her at ease. Either you can show her how to dance or you can say you do not know much either and that you can try working it out together. As long as you are happy about either scenario, then those around you will feel at ease as well, and more inclined to dance.

The above it not complicated, but these few points will make you much more likely to to choose a lady who will give you a ‘yes’ and make asking an easier task.

The above is also true for anyone of any sex asking anyone else. I have only used the context of a man asking a lady because it is more common.

Men, are you even trying?

I regularly go to group classes that are run before many social events. It lets me get insights from other dancers, learn new figures and styles, dance with more partners (ideal for practice) and introduces me to new styles.

However, it has also revealed something else to me. The frequency with which women are simply disappointed with the quality of men they dance with.

I like to think that they confide in me because they don’t think I am not that bad. However, it is possible that they talk of others as a way to give me a message. In either case, it got me thinking that I should get to the bottom of this, and know what issues women have.

I then spent the next couple of months watching group classes more than focusing on my own dance. Probably not the smartest thing for me to do for my own dance, but it turned out to be informative. And confirmed that I probably did disappoint a few women while getting to the bottom of this.

In short, many men don’t try, but still seem to think that they are pretty good.

I noticed the following with men:

1. They focus on the right foot placement
2. They ignore character as their feet move from one place to the next
3. They are scared to try different embraces or use the one recommended
4. They focus so much on their own feet they forget to show their partner a good time

These were not common to all men and only a few would have all of these undesirable characteristics. However, there are a few things men can do to overcome these issues:

1. Make sure you are at the level you should be at for a group lesson
2. Realise that you do it harder at the start – you need to find foot work easy to pick up to do a group class – maybe you need a lot more privates of low level group classes before attending the group classes you want to go to. Do not think you can do the same number of lessons as women and be able to go to the same classes. You might need to attend classes at 3 times the rate to keep up.
3. Put some effort in. It’s not just foot placement. Do you want to dance well – putting your whole body and character into it – or do you just want to walk through it? This might be a rhetorical question, but it does have a right answer.

I can’t claim to be the best dancer around, but I have found that if you ensure your dance ability is equal to the lesson, focus on your partners and work on really dancing, then you can get a lot more out of these lessons and be more confident that you are not ruining it for others.

Final note: I have assumed men are leading. If you are a lady who leads, then the above is equally valid to you. Although my experience would suggest you probably need not worry about it; women seem to take leading more seriously.

Social dance: the art that almost never was

Did you know that dance (social/partner) might never have existed? Read on and find out why this is so.

 

To really understand how serendipitous (and objectively astounding) social dance is let’s first consider about the nature of dance in a few random different cultures from around the world.

Sri Lanka

This might seem like an odd place to start, but it was a Sri Lankan friend, also a dance, I know a few Sri Lankan social dancers actually, that got me thinking about this topic. We started talking about how he had danced for years, but no longer due to his wife slowly, but surely, removing female friends from his social network. He then went on to note that in Sri Lanka the tradition was to dance to please and celebrate the Gods. It was only when the foreign “white devils” came with this sexualised partner dancing that the notion of what dance could be changed. I should not that he used the phrase “white devils” to indicate the cultural shock. However, it makes it very clear that social dance in his eyes came from the West!

Australia

Indigenous dance in Australia was a tool to explain the Dreaming (a culmination of social law and explanation of existence). Dance places would sometimes be viewed as sacred, and one can see how there is a similarity with Sri Lanka by using dance in a more spiritual manner.

The Americas

Traditionally in the Americas dance was spiritual, but would also often have a purpose. It could be used to increase the success of a hunt or a harvest. It could also be used ceremonially to celebrate and give thanks. The spiritual nature is seen again.

Thailand

There is a plethora of dances in Thailand. Their purpose ranges from religious to drama to pure entertainment to combat training to comedy and on. However, there is nothing, despite the variety of dances like social/partner dancing. There is Ramwong, but that is seems more like a choreographed dance that pairs men with women as opposed to being something social. It might be the nascent stages of a social dance culture, but it is not a social dance and the only one close to what we call partner dancing out of the huge number of dances in Thailand.

Africa

Anyone who has taken time to look at a map of the world will notice 2 things about Africa: it is very bog and it has many countries. This means that it is difficult to generalise and that there has been a large number of dances developed within the continent for different purposes. However, the majority of dances are communal in nature with little focus on couples or individuals. It was not until colonial times when those “white devils” arrived with the concept of partner/social dancing. Considering the significant influence of African culture on many styles of modern partner dancing and the large number of dances developed in Africa it is remarkable that of all those dances there was nothing akin to partner dancing.

Europe

For one reason or another in Europe the colonial dances evolved into partner dancing and tripped off the Viennese Waltz (the oldest of modern ballroom dances). It was only in Europe where we see the origins of partner dance. Europe does not make up the majority of the world’s population so it can’t be argued that it evolved there due to large sampling or statistics.

This might make you think that there was something about Europe that produced social dancing. If this is the case, then there should be evidence of it from early on in the culture.

So let’s now consider dance throughout time.

Ancient Greece

In Ancient Greece dance was considered a civilising art form. And while being civilising, and thus treated with great respect, which made it popular, there is no evidence of anything like social or partner dance evolving.

Rome

The romans were pragmatic people, and not ones to engage in frivolity like others of the time. Thus much of the art music and dance in Rome came from others like the Greeks. The result was that dance during this time in Europe was like that before, and there was no social/partner dance.

The dark ages

In the dark ages there were numerous dances that could be described as social – groups of people in a circle dancing together – but even though this might have been the foundation of partner dancing there is no record of such things existing. It was social, but the partner aspect had not yet evolved.

The renaissance

It is here that we finally see something resembling balls and dances that are social and partner based. There were 2 types: court dancing and country dancing. The former was rigid and for display, while the latter was fun and open to all.  This was the beginning of partner dance as we know.

We would like to think this was the beginning and it was all upwards and onwards from there. However, there were ups and downs. Some despised the waltz when it entered London. However, Queen Victoria was a fan so that helped. But after that, partner dances waned again. Still it managed to hold on.

Modern day

Even at its peak social dancing was only dominant in one part of the world for a relatively short period. Today, it is not the majority of people who dance, but it seems secure in our culture – it is now present the world over and in many different forms. It is there, but not really the norm. Thus, despite how secure it might seem, it could still be lost.

Social dance as we know it only developed in one part of the world and has only been with us for a short period. This means:

• That while dance itself seems very human and ubiquitous, there is little to suggest that partner dancing is something that would naturally develop.
• Given the oddity of the development of partner dance, if the world were to be started over again, then there is a good chance that partner dance would never have develop.
• Nevertheless it did, but we are lucky to be living on this side of the time when it developed; partner dancing has not been around for more than 5% of human history (taking ancient Egypt as the start, which is debatable). Most humans never even hear of partner dancing let alone have a chance to experience it.

Because partner dance was such a chance event and me experiencing it even more of a chance event, I now appreciate it even more than I used to.

Culture and social dance – does your culture affect your dancing?

The night before writing this I went to a social dance event that a friend had told me about. This was one of a string of regular events that focused more on dancing than on learning to dance, and provided a good avenue for practice because you could dance with a number of different people that you had not danced with before. This particular event was a Chinese event. There is quite a large Chinese community in Australia and Chinese as a general rule quite like dance (China is the only place where I saw dance-sport featured in the sports section of the nightly news. So it’s quite easy to find a dance event where the music is mostly Chinese (and if not, then East Asian) and the night’s proceeding are conducted in Chinese.

It was a bit of a bonus for me because after living in China for a year I still don’t speak Mandarin that well, and this gave me some chance to practice. However, what was even more beneficial was that I got to see social dance from a new perspective. This often tells you a lot about what you assume of dance and also what the essence of dance is. The things that are different often reveal assumption you make about dance and those things that are similar typically reveal the essence of dance.

I noticed the following things:

• PSY’s Oppa Gangnam Style really is a big hit in the Asian cultures around the world
• What was called Tango there was what I would call Tangoette
• They danced Jive to a music I would never call Jive, but was still sort of suitable for the dance
• What I called waltz and Viennese Waltz was call 3 step and fast 3 step respectively
• Another dance, which I never caught the name of, was basically Tango Argentino, but danced to Chinese popular music with a Vals like style and much more open embrace

Basically, I saw a lot that was different, but nothing was that confusing; after paying attention to what was going on, I was able to adapt and dance with people there.  

However, I was still curious about why they were different though. I am still not sure about why the Tango was like a Tangoette. And the names for Waltz and Viennese waltz made sense. But, the difference in music was something that I had an idea about.

I was talking to another dancer there who felt that when they danced at Australian dance schools, which typically work from the international syllabi and standards, the music is often more powerful, and easier to follow for dances like Jive. When I was in China I noticed that a lot of Chinese people quite liked Country and Western. The reason for this was that the Chinese government for decades restricted the type of music that was allowed into China. Any that was Rock and Roll was not fine (no matter what Top Petty might have said to the contrary). Having made a definite influence to Rock and Roll and having a similar vibe, Jive music would have likely experienced a similar restriction in China. This restriction was the result of the Chinese government trying to protect the people from unsavoury influences of overt sexuality and the like. If Rock and Roll was considered too overt, then you can imagine what was thought of Tango Argentino. This would explain the use of Chinese music, which is less passionate than much Tango and the more open embrace.

So what does this tell us about dance? I get two things from it:

1. Different people can see the same thing in different ways, and change it so that they like it
2. As long as you learn the fundamentals of a dance, you can dance it anywhere and adapt

So when you’re learning dance it is worth keeping in mind that what you’re learning will at times be arbitrary and based on the values of the people in the community that you are in at the time. Nevertheless, if you pay attention to the basics such as musicality, and lead and follow, you will be able to adapt to the social dance practices almost anywhere.