Dance Better Now

How to tell if a lady wants to dance

On the weekend just gone, I was at a street Latin event with a friend who started dancing around the same time as me. We started talking about picking ladies to ask to dance. Part of the conversation was how to pick a lady that would be fun to dance with or one who would be a good dancer. However, the major topic of conversation was how to pick a lady who would say 'yes'. It turns out that I had a few more insights than others so I decided to share these with you.

Many men do worry about asking a woman to dance and have her decline the offer. It would be good if it was the case that men would never say ‘no’ to an invite from a lady, and we men could simply sit back and wait, but I have seen men too decline invites in the past (which really surprised me to see). Thus, if you are a man and you want to dance, then you are going to have to learn to ask.

The easiest way is to look for women who are putting out the signals like those recommended here – http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm. Ladies, if you would like to be asked more, then the content of that page cannot be recommended enough. I have had female friends use it, and simply never be off the dance floor when they want to dance and use this new found power.

However, not all women know how to consciously send the signals to indicate that they would like to be asked for a dance. That means you need to look for the unconscious signs. However, let’s first talk about why this should even be an issue.

Why do men worry about women saying ‘no’ to a dance?

• No one likes rejection, and this is a type of rejection.
• If one person says ‘no’, then it might set a precedence of others saying ‘no’, and you will feel worse.
• You might worry that the lady you asked saw you dance and has declined because she thinks you are a poor dancer. If you never ask, then you need not confront this possibility.
• There is a sexuality to dance, and thus the social stakes are higher. It’s not something like offering someone a drink, or offering someone help, or letting someone know that they dropped something.

Now that we have some idea of why we worry, it’s worth putting somethings into perspective:

• If someone says ‘no’, then it is usually them, and not you, so always keep in mind that it is not really rejection. This can be harder to accept when a new dancer, but trust me, it’s true. However, for example, many say ‘no’ if they lack faith in their ability, and that could be the reason why.
• You can always walk to another part of the dance event and ask another so the next person you ask does not see the rejection. You can also go back and talk to your friends for a period and then ask another so there is no perceived cycle of ongoing rejection. Finally, just remember, most people were looking somewhere else, and didn’t even see the rejection.
• It’s just dance. So it’s not a major social contract.

Keep the above points in mind and you will at least feel better about asking someone to dance.

Now let’s talk about picking someone who wants to dance:

1. Look at the feet, if a lady’s feet are pointed at the dance floor, then that’s an indication of where she wants to be. If she wants to be on the floor, then she is more likely to respond with a ‘yes’.
2. Look to see if she seems lost. When a lady wants to dance, she will often not be interested in other things going on. This desire for something one does not have often makes us look a little lost.
3. If she keeps looking at the dance floor, then that’s another indication. Even if she is talking to someone, she will likely rather be dancing, and would say ‘yes’ if asked to dance.
4. If a friend she was talking to has just been asked to dance, then she will be more inclined to want the same. If you are a beginner dancer, then you can friend up with someone who is more experienced, and knows who to ask someone to dance. You can then together ask a pair of women for a dance, which makes it easier for all concerned: no-one is left behind and no one left someone behind.
5. If you are offered a conditional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because she is unsure of her skills, then put her at ease. Either you can show her how to dance or you can say you do not know much either and that you can try working it out together. As long as you are happy about either scenario, then those around you will feel at ease as well, and more inclined to dance.

The above it not complicated, but these few points will make you much more likely to to choose a lady who will give you a ‘yes’ and make asking an easier task.

The above is also true for anyone of any sex asking anyone else. I have only used the context of a man asking a lady because it is more common.

Men, are you even trying?

I regularly go to group classes that are run before many social events. It lets me get insights from other dancers, learn new figures and styles, dance with more partners (ideal for practice) and introduces me to new styles.

However, it has also revealed something else to me. The frequency with which women are simply disappointed with the quality of men they dance with.

I like to think that they confide in me because they don’t think I am not that bad. However, it is possible that they talk of others as a way to give me a message. In either case, it got me thinking that I should get to the bottom of this, and know what issues women have.

I then spent the next couple of months watching group classes more than focusing on my own dance. Probably not the smartest thing for me to do for my own dance, but it turned out to be informative. And confirmed that I probably did disappoint a few women while getting to the bottom of this.

In short, many men don’t try, but still seem to think that they are pretty good.

I noticed the following with men:

1. They focus on the right foot placement
2. They ignore character as their feet move from one place to the next
3. They are scared to try different embraces or use the one recommended
4. They focus so much on their own feet they forget to show their partner a good time

These were not common to all men and only a few would have all of these undesirable characteristics. However, there are a few things men can do to overcome these issues:

1. Make sure you are at the level you should be at for a group lesson
2. Realise that you do it harder at the start – you need to find foot work easy to pick up to do a group class – maybe you need a lot more privates of low level group classes before attending the group classes you want to go to. Do not think you can do the same number of lessons as women and be able to go to the same classes. You might need to attend classes at 3 times the rate to keep up.
3. Put some effort in. It’s not just foot placement. Do you want to dance well – putting your whole body and character into it – or do you just want to walk through it? This might be a rhetorical question, but it does have a right answer.

I can’t claim to be the best dancer around, but I have found that if you ensure your dance ability is equal to the lesson, focus on your partners and work on really dancing, then you can get a lot more out of these lessons and be more confident that you are not ruining it for others.

Final note: I have assumed men are leading. If you are a lady who leads, then the above is equally valid to you. Although my experience would suggest you probably need not worry about it; women seem to take leading more seriously.

How to be a fun person to dance with

A key part of social dancing is being fun to be with. So what makes a person fun to dance with?

Think about the kind of people you like to be with because they are fun. They probably display the following qualities:

• Relaxed
• Adventurous
• Non-judgemental

Dancing with such people relaxes you – because they are relaxed it helps you relax. Their relaxing also communicates confidence which can make you feel safe. Feeling safe than sets you up for adventure. And that makes things exciting. When you’re relaxed and feeling safe, you can’t help but have fun. It becomes even more fun if any mistakes on the adventure are treated as a minor issue – that’s why fun people are non-judgemental people.

If you like dancing with fun people, then people will love dancing with you when you’re fun too.

So to be fun, you need to be relaxed. If you’re serious about dance and being a fun dancer, then don’t take dance so seriously. Relax when on the dance floor. An easy way to do this is to this is to focus on your partner. Regardless if you’re a follow or lead this will work:

• If you’re a follow, then focusing on your partner will make you a better follow as well as stopping you from focusing on what could go wrong and putting you off your dance
• If you’re a lead and you focus on your partner, then you will be better able to sense their ability, and dance at the best level for adventure

Speaking of adventure.

One of the best ways to have fun when dancing is to go out with a sense of adventure. Such a sense is contagious. If you make a comment that clearly indicates that you have a sense of adventure as you walk out on to the dance floor, then you have set a good precedence.  Some possible comments (these are just ideas; if everyone uses them, then they will lose effect):

• Let’s tear up the dance floor, what’s the worst that could really happen!?!
• Let’s see what you/I can lead me/you through
• I reckon we could do (insert a desired figure here)

Some of these can also be said while dancing – if you are so inclined.

This also relates to being non-judgemental. If you have a sense of adventure that focuses more on trying accepting what may come, then you enhance the sense of relaxation and adventure. If your partner still seems to have not caught your vibe, then it might be time to remove the fear of failure. Try a comment like:

• We can just try
• It’s good to stretch yourself
• It will either be a success or a lesson on how to get better

It’s also worth considering that you’re suggesting something that’s just not possible. The trouble with this is that, in my experience, people who suggest such things have had enough to drink to be more confident, but also so much that they can’t sense their limits or those of others. They don’t think to question the possibility of their suggestion.  It can be amusing watching someone sway side to side in sync (they think)  with an expert dancer they are watching, and then think that those sways have programmed their body memory with an excellent figure that they are now about to execute flawlessly.

If you put effort into the above, then you will be a fun dancer. However, here’s another idea I got from another blogger on dance:

• Take the mindset that you are going to give someone else a fun time
• Look for a person who you want to give this too
• Ask them to dance
• Focus on making them have a fun time
• When the music is over – do it with another

Simply focusing on the experience of the other will make you someone other wish to dance with.

What is proper dancing?

I know of some people who always like to know that they are dancing “properly”.

But what is “proper” dance?

Some people I know who want to know that they are doing it right will gravitate toward dance sport. It has a world authority that lays down rules and directions on how each dance figure is to be performed. Then there are trained judges who evaluate dancers and rank them according to the quality of execution.

This certainly conveys a sense of what is proper.

If it is proper, then it must be the highest class. Surely the classiest of dancers do things properly.

Or do they?

Other dancers can’t stand the notion of doing things properly. They would rather dance to their own rules. They do not like the “elites” or “upper class” types laying down rules to be followed. It is more fun to shake things up with raw talent and innovation than to try to adhere to stuffy old rules. That’s how the working class people choose to dance.

Or is it?

If you want to learn more about how different elements of society have viewed social dance throughout history, then take a look at Waltzing: A Manual for Dancing and Living by Richard Powers and Nick Enge. It is a rare book in that it covers a lot about the history of social dance. It’s good for all dancers to know this, but there is little out there about it.

  

If you’re like me, and you have trouble giving people gift ideas, then this is an ideal one.

One of the interesting aspect is how each class viewed dance.

Before I talk too much about this, I want you to take a moment to think about the origins of social dance.

Some of the earlier recordings of what we would call social dance go back 1000 years. It has been with us for a long time. Recordings of how they differed between the classes typically went along the lines of the nobles dancing in a more dignified manner while the farmers and such were a lot more boisterous.

They were different styles, but each was focused on simply dancing.

So where did the notion of laying down rules and judging dance so formally come from?

Can you imagine someone trying to judge a European aristocrat?

“YOU, a servant who teaches dance, wishes to judge ME, a nobleman?

“Off with his head!”

There would probably be a quick shortage of dance judges.

People who were living such lives were probably more interested in politics, war or hedonism. They were unlikely to have any interest in someone judging them on how well they danced. Certainly there would have been those who wanted to be the one that others wanted to dance with, but the notion of formulating and regulating dance did not really fit their lifestyle.

However, for the working class in Victorian England many were tradesmen. They knew that they were qualified, that they were talented and who they were (if trade was part of one’s identity), because they had been assessed.

And they had passed the test!

In this environment, when social dancing was popular, it was only a matter of time until the notion of codifying dance and then judging it would develop.

And this, according to Richard Powers and Nick Enge, is the origin of modern dance sport. Tradesmen laying down solid rules on how to dance so that all could “know” that they danced well and how well compared to others.

So what do we make of this?

It’s just something to ponder if we ever want to know that we dance “properly”.

There are some aspects of dance that are based on something objective: The efficiency of movement for example. However, it is arbitrary that we think it should be efficient. Why not set a challenge and see if people can still do it inefficiently?

Thus, dance is a mix of subjectiveness, objectiveness and arbitrariness. Which makes it hard to define what proper is.

Much of it is all in our heads.

However, the same still goes for those who think that they can shake things up by not dancing to those rules laid down by others. Really, you’re just dancing to a different set of standards: standards that you likely just made up.

This is the paradox of dance – there probably really isn’t a proper dance class.

However, some of us just like to know that we have met a standard. And dance is a way of achieving that.

Others don’t care for this so much.

Still, you can’t dance anyway you like. You do have a partner to dance with. And no matter what happens, people like what they like, and thus there will be some dancers that more people like than others.

Standards are mostly arbitrary in dance, but there will always be some standard that you will be judged by in some way by someone when you do dance.

If you want to learn more about this side if dance, and I think you should because historical context can help so much when thinking about what you want from dance, then I can happily recommend Waltzing: A Manual for Dancing and Living by Richard Powers and Nick Enge. Just click the image below.

 

  

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If you do by this book, then there is a good chance that I will get a commission. Just so you know.

Is your dance partner lying to you?

Earlier today I was re-reading Partner Dance Success: Be the One They Want: What I Wish I Knew when I Started Social Dancing by Don Baarns. It’s good to re-read what you have about dance instead of always buying more books. Often new books will tell you the same thing and re-reading  what you have will remind you of key things you have forgotten or reveal important things you missed last time. It’s also cheaper too.

However, that’s not the point of the post; just something I thought I would share.

This post is about how honest people will be with you when you talk to them about how you dance. This was a section of Don’s book. As he points out, people will always be polite when talking to you face to face. However, they will say all sorts of negative things about you behind your back.

Why does this happen?

Well first off, just think about the times you have done this. And then think about the times when you think others have done it to you.

Most likely, you were being polite. As your mother said “If you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.”

Most of the time this helps us maintain a civil and functioning society. Skirting over the little things prevents people losing their temper, getting upset and then maybe getting into a fight. Chances are others were being polite when they lied to you too. Makes sense really.

But politeness like this doesn’t help you dance better!

The objectivity that we share with each other about other people is what will help people dance better. Once you know what problems you have – and we all have them – you can fix it and become an even better dancer. The dancer who gets told about problems and then fixes them is going to dance much better than the dancer who is continually being dishonestly lied to about how good they are.

Now what can we take from this.

First, honesty would probably be appreciated (in the long run) from others so we should try a bit more of it. However, you probably still have the sense of wanting to be nice and keeping everyone happy. That just means that you need to be more positive by talking about how much better someone can get and be constructive.

So how to be positive? Instead of saying to someone that there timing is poor, you can say that if the focus on hitting each note consistently, then they will have really great flow to their dance.

To be constructive, focus on the source of the problem and how to fix it. Try saying something like, “try being a bit more resistive when a give an arm lead” then see what happens. You can also be part of the issue so that you’re in it together “I feel like I am lost and not sure where is best to step next when I am lead through that underarm turn.” This sentence raises the possibility that you are missing something so it’s not really a case of you pointing the finger at another person. It also gives the other person something more to work with: either then or with a teacher later on.

Second, extract information from others. Don’t ask questions like “was that good?” These questions are always going to be answered with “yes” if you are good or just ok. They will be answered with “It was ok” or “not bad” if it’s bad. Try asking about something you’re worried about. And leave the window open for feedback. Try questions like: Do I seem off time; Was that figure different from what I was meant to do; Did that lead leave you unsure what I wanted; I could be standing up straighter couldn’t I? These questions make it much easier (or more comfortable) to give useful feedback while remaining polite.

In summary, be honest with others in a polite way by focusing on the benefits and trying to find the cause of an issue and use specific questions that lead the other person to give feedback that is actually useful to you.

Men versus women: who’s got the timing issue?

When it comes to musicality do you feel that the partner is always worse than you or better? Ever wonder who better: men or women? Here is an interesting question I received via email on this topic.

I have a question about musicality...

I just started dancing classes and one of my main issues is having a hard time following my partner. It's as if the music makes me want to dance in a certain rhythm and I'm not really following my partner lead. I'm aware I'm the unexperienced one in the class and I'm always told I have to loosen up and just follow the lead.

My question is,
do you think that musicality is as important for the man as is for the woman? What if I develop my musicality and happen to dance with someone weaker in that aspect in the real life, (not in class), won't that worsen my already weak follower abilities?

Thank you!

Fidelma

And here is my reply

 

The first question is an easy one to answer. Yes. Musicality is just as important to all of us.

The second question is interesting, but I want to first talk about how to deal with this in class.

It seems to have no real solution. On the one hand, you are pretty sure that you know what you’re meant to do in response to the music. However, on the other hand, someone who seems more expert than you suggests (implicitly) that you’re not meant to do that.

It makes you ask numerous questions:

• Am I wrong with my timing?
• Are the wrong with theirs even though they are more experienced?
• If they are wrong, then what am I mean to do; dance out of time?
• If I am wrong, then what is that I am doing wrong?

The combination of uncertainty about who is wrong and uncertainty about what to do about it makes for a very unpleasant experience. This can really rob you of the pleasure of dance and it’s really not what dance is mean to do.

At this moment you might be thinking ‘Thanks, Clint; you’ve pointed out what I do know but how about you tell me what to do about this!?!’

That would be a fair call, but I am trying to establish that when we feel this way – like there is no clear way to move forward to solve a problem – we need to do something that we do not often do. We need to change the problem.

The problem is not that you can’t keep time. The problem is that he can’t keep time. The problem is not that you need to know how to fix someone’s timing and musicality.

The problem is that something feels odd.

That’s the problem that you need to solve. Everything else is unknown and needs to be worked out so that you can first solve this problem.

I have said numerous times here in my emails and in my e-books that timing was a big issue for me. I am only now after years of dance feeling comfortable to rely on my instinct and just dance with the music. I still need to count every once in a while to be sure. I know how hard it can be. I also remember watching a video on timing a few years ago and the instructor said ‘NEVER do any dance practice out of time with the music!’ You really want to make sure that you are always trying to stay on the beat so that timing becomes instinctive. This made me even more stress about my timing I was worried I will develop erroneous musical instincts.

As hard as it was for me, I know I was not alone. That’s good news because it means that no matter what you are having trouble with your teacher has probably seen that and then more.

So the answer to this problem is your teacher. But: how you ask your question of the teacher?

I would start off by saying to the teacher first that something feels odd and you’re not sure what it is. All you know is that you feel like the music is trying to tell you to do something different from what you feel your partner is telling you to do.

Notice the use of the word ‘feel’. This is important because it means you’re not saying anyone is wrong. You’re just saying that there seems to be a conflict somewhere and you want to work at resolving it. Remember the man you’re dancing with is you “partner” so work with him. He is just keen to improve as you are and just as concerned with his ability as you are with yours. If you start with the known problem (something feel odd – like there is a mismatch in what you’re feeling) and then work from there with your teacher and your partner, then you can’t help but improve.

Now what to do in the real world? This is trickier.

First, remember the following: try to be mindful of other people who are trying to learn and do not get upset if someone else seems to have difficulty dancing with you.

That means that you are allowed to say something. It also means that if you have been polite, then there is no need to feel bad if they get upset. It’s not your fault if they are having a bad day or feel that they are not doing as well as they would like. Just let them deal with their issues in their own way. You can leave if you do not like how they are behaving, but don’t let it get to you.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about what you can do.

I recall two times when I was the man in this issue. One woman was not sure and asked if I was dancing in 2 instead of 1 – we were doing salsa. The other woman asked if we could count together out loud as we danced so that we could see if we “heard” the music the same way. This actually worked quite well, and I would recommend it to any woman who feels something is off.

Depending upon what you think the man is like you might want to be more accommodating. If you’re really concerned, then try the following:

‘I am not sure if I hear the music right. Would you please count it out loud so that I can get the timing?’

Unless he has read this post he will simply assume you need help. If his timing is out, then he will potentially have a look of fear, but you never criticised him so there should be no anger towards you. If there is, then he really has issues. However, don’t assume that he is upset with you when he might actually be upset with himself.

If you hear it differently from how he does, then you can say ‘Oh – I hear it like this’ and then you count out loud. You are now in a situation where you are both considering a problem of mismatching of timing. How you progress from there depends upon you and him. Hopefully he would be just as motivated to sort out any issue as you. If he wants to get better then he should be.

In summary – don’t deal with this conflict of whether you should dance out of time so that you can follow. Solve the problem that you know is there in cooperation with those around you.

I hope that helped. Post below if anything seems unclear.