Dance Better Now

How to tell if a lady wants to dance

On the weekend just gone, I was at a street Latin event with a friend who started dancing around the same time as me. We started talking about picking ladies to ask to dance. Part of the conversation was how to pick a lady that would be fun to dance with or one who would be a good dancer. However, the major topic of conversation was how to pick a lady who would say 'yes'. It turns out that I had a few more insights than others so I decided to share these with you.

Many men do worry about asking a woman to dance and have her decline the offer. It would be good if it was the case that men would never say ‘no’ to an invite from a lady, and we men could simply sit back and wait, but I have seen men too decline invites in the past (which really surprised me to see). Thus, if you are a man and you want to dance, then you are going to have to learn to ask.

The easiest way is to look for women who are putting out the signals like those recommended here – http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm. Ladies, if you would like to be asked more, then the content of that page cannot be recommended enough. I have had female friends use it, and simply never be off the dance floor when they want to dance and use this new found power.

However, not all women know how to consciously send the signals to indicate that they would like to be asked for a dance. That means you need to look for the unconscious signs. However, let’s first talk about why this should even be an issue.

Why do men worry about women saying ‘no’ to a dance?

• No one likes rejection, and this is a type of rejection.
• If one person says ‘no’, then it might set a precedence of others saying ‘no’, and you will feel worse.
• You might worry that the lady you asked saw you dance and has declined because she thinks you are a poor dancer. If you never ask, then you need not confront this possibility.
• There is a sexuality to dance, and thus the social stakes are higher. It’s not something like offering someone a drink, or offering someone help, or letting someone know that they dropped something.

Now that we have some idea of why we worry, it’s worth putting somethings into perspective:

• If someone says ‘no’, then it is usually them, and not you, so always keep in mind that it is not really rejection. This can be harder to accept when a new dancer, but trust me, it’s true. However, for example, many say ‘no’ if they lack faith in their ability, and that could be the reason why.
• You can always walk to another part of the dance event and ask another so the next person you ask does not see the rejection. You can also go back and talk to your friends for a period and then ask another so there is no perceived cycle of ongoing rejection. Finally, just remember, most people were looking somewhere else, and didn’t even see the rejection.
• It’s just dance. So it’s not a major social contract.

Keep the above points in mind and you will at least feel better about asking someone to dance.

Now let’s talk about picking someone who wants to dance:

1. Look at the feet, if a lady’s feet are pointed at the dance floor, then that’s an indication of where she wants to be. If she wants to be on the floor, then she is more likely to respond with a ‘yes’.
2. Look to see if she seems lost. When a lady wants to dance, she will often not be interested in other things going on. This desire for something one does not have often makes us look a little lost.
3. If she keeps looking at the dance floor, then that’s another indication. Even if she is talking to someone, she will likely rather be dancing, and would say ‘yes’ if asked to dance.
4. If a friend she was talking to has just been asked to dance, then she will be more inclined to want the same. If you are a beginner dancer, then you can friend up with someone who is more experienced, and knows who to ask someone to dance. You can then together ask a pair of women for a dance, which makes it easier for all concerned: no-one is left behind and no one left someone behind.
5. If you are offered a conditional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because she is unsure of her skills, then put her at ease. Either you can show her how to dance or you can say you do not know much either and that you can try working it out together. As long as you are happy about either scenario, then those around you will feel at ease as well, and more inclined to dance.

The above it not complicated, but these few points will make you much more likely to to choose a lady who will give you a ‘yes’ and make asking an easier task.

The above is also true for anyone of any sex asking anyone else. I have only used the context of a man asking a lady because it is more common.

Men, are you even trying?

I regularly go to group classes that are run before many social events. It lets me get insights from other dancers, learn new figures and styles, dance with more partners (ideal for practice) and introduces me to new styles.

However, it has also revealed something else to me. The frequency with which women are simply disappointed with the quality of men they dance with.

I like to think that they confide in me because they don’t think I am not that bad. However, it is possible that they talk of others as a way to give me a message. In either case, it got me thinking that I should get to the bottom of this, and know what issues women have.

I then spent the next couple of months watching group classes more than focusing on my own dance. Probably not the smartest thing for me to do for my own dance, but it turned out to be informative. And confirmed that I probably did disappoint a few women while getting to the bottom of this.

In short, many men don’t try, but still seem to think that they are pretty good.

I noticed the following with men:

1. They focus on the right foot placement
2. They ignore character as their feet move from one place to the next
3. They are scared to try different embraces or use the one recommended
4. They focus so much on their own feet they forget to show their partner a good time

These were not common to all men and only a few would have all of these undesirable characteristics. However, there are a few things men can do to overcome these issues:

1. Make sure you are at the level you should be at for a group lesson
2. Realise that you do it harder at the start – you need to find foot work easy to pick up to do a group class – maybe you need a lot more privates of low level group classes before attending the group classes you want to go to. Do not think you can do the same number of lessons as women and be able to go to the same classes. You might need to attend classes at 3 times the rate to keep up.
3. Put some effort in. It’s not just foot placement. Do you want to dance well – putting your whole body and character into it – or do you just want to walk through it? This might be a rhetorical question, but it does have a right answer.

I can’t claim to be the best dancer around, but I have found that if you ensure your dance ability is equal to the lesson, focus on your partners and work on really dancing, then you can get a lot more out of these lessons and be more confident that you are not ruining it for others.

Final note: I have assumed men are leading. If you are a lady who leads, then the above is equally valid to you. Although my experience would suggest you probably need not worry about it; women seem to take leading more seriously.

The woman everyone wants to either dance like or dance with

I have been writing about how to be a better partner dancer for some years now. In that time I have:

1. done a lot of research into how to dance better,
2. tried a lot of techniques to see if they improve dance ability,
3. had friends try techniques to see if they improve dance ability,
4. spoken to many women about the things they find difficult, and
5. spoken to a lot of men about what they like in dance partners.

From all of this, I have found essence of what makes for the best women dancers*.

And I am going to share this with you now.

In short, you need to be a graceful dancer. You need to not only dance well, obviously, but you need to be a lady that has poise and affability on the dance floor.

It’s more than simply knowing figures.

The best female dancers:

• have an affability that makes it easy to ask them to dance and connect with
• can feel emotion in the music
• notice how others express the feelings in the music
• move with grace in response to leads that they can feel

When you have these qualities, you become that woman that you have seen on the dance floor who looks at home there. You glide along the floor and turn expressing the character of the music and catch everyone’s eye as you have the kind of experience that we all want from dance. Think about those women you see dancing like that – it can be you.

If you want to be one of the best women dancers, then you need to master the following:

1. Physicality – for good feminine movement
2. Musicality – not just dancing in time with the music, but WITH the music
3. Learning dance – so you know that you are dancing as you should
4. Sensing – so you can pick up on all aspects of dance to follow and express yourself
5. Affability – so your partner connects, and creates that unique dance experience

You probably already have some these, but there is likely to be something you feel you lack or have perhaps never thought about.

Imagine if you had all of them, and you were like those other dancers you see and envy. You CAN master these 5 attributes of the best female dancers. And I will show you how so that dance can be what you want it to be.

If you do want me to tell you how to master these attributes, and you should, then you can read more via a report that I have written on this topic. Fill out the form below, and I will send you the report now.

 

 

 

*I know that it need not be a woman following. This is just the context that this article is written in. Much of what is written here is valid for leads in general. By all means, if you are a man, then you can still learn about following from the report.

How to be a fun person to dance with

A key part of social dancing is being fun to be with. So what makes a person fun to dance with?

Think about the kind of people you like to be with because they are fun. They probably display the following qualities:

• Relaxed
• Adventurous
• Non-judgemental

Dancing with such people relaxes you – because they are relaxed it helps you relax. Their relaxing also communicates confidence which can make you feel safe. Feeling safe than sets you up for adventure. And that makes things exciting. When you’re relaxed and feeling safe, you can’t help but have fun. It becomes even more fun if any mistakes on the adventure are treated as a minor issue – that’s why fun people are non-judgemental people.

If you like dancing with fun people, then people will love dancing with you when you’re fun too.

So to be fun, you need to be relaxed. If you’re serious about dance and being a fun dancer, then don’t take dance so seriously. Relax when on the dance floor. An easy way to do this is to this is to focus on your partner. Regardless if you’re a follow or lead this will work:

• If you’re a follow, then focusing on your partner will make you a better follow as well as stopping you from focusing on what could go wrong and putting you off your dance
• If you’re a lead and you focus on your partner, then you will be better able to sense their ability, and dance at the best level for adventure

Speaking of adventure.

One of the best ways to have fun when dancing is to go out with a sense of adventure. Such a sense is contagious. If you make a comment that clearly indicates that you have a sense of adventure as you walk out on to the dance floor, then you have set a good precedence.  Some possible comments (these are just ideas; if everyone uses them, then they will lose effect):

• Let’s tear up the dance floor, what’s the worst that could really happen!?!
• Let’s see what you/I can lead me/you through
• I reckon we could do (insert a desired figure here)

Some of these can also be said while dancing – if you are so inclined.

This also relates to being non-judgemental. If you have a sense of adventure that focuses more on trying accepting what may come, then you enhance the sense of relaxation and adventure. If your partner still seems to have not caught your vibe, then it might be time to remove the fear of failure. Try a comment like:

• We can just try
• It’s good to stretch yourself
• It will either be a success or a lesson on how to get better

It’s also worth considering that you’re suggesting something that’s just not possible. The trouble with this is that, in my experience, people who suggest such things have had enough to drink to be more confident, but also so much that they can’t sense their limits or those of others. They don’t think to question the possibility of their suggestion.  It can be amusing watching someone sway side to side in sync (they think)  with an expert dancer they are watching, and then think that those sways have programmed their body memory with an excellent figure that they are now about to execute flawlessly.

If you put effort into the above, then you will be a fun dancer. However, here’s another idea I got from another blogger on dance:

• Take the mindset that you are going to give someone else a fun time
• Look for a person who you want to give this too
• Ask them to dance
• Focus on making them have a fun time
• When the music is over – do it with another

Simply focusing on the experience of the other will make you someone other wish to dance with.

Finding a dance partner when you’re single and everyone else isn’t

Do you have troubles finding a dance partner because all the other dancers are couples and their partners (husbands, girlfriends, wives, boyfriends and so on) do not like you dancing with them?

It’s not an uncommon problem.

I have spoken with a number of subscribers to my email list, my blog readers and facebook fans who have this issue. In fact, I have spoken with so many, I decide to find out what can be done to help people in this situation.

To find out why people might dislike another person dancing with their better halves, I conducted a survey of the fans of The Inner game of dance facebook page. I asked people what would make them less comfortable or more comfortable with another person dancing with their partner.

I did not ask them to think of what they thought would affect it. Instead I offered a list of scenarios. This meant that people completing the survey would find it easier to share their feelings on the subject, but it also meant that I might have missed some key issues – this should be kept in mind as the results of the survey are analysed.

The scenarios given were:

• If I were a better dancer, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine, then
• If I danced better than the person dancing with my partner, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was younger, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was older, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was attractive, then
• If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner, then
• If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
• If it was in a familiar environment and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
• If I had just had a disappointing dance lesson and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was popular at the venue, then
• If the person dancing with my partner was wealthier, then

To each of these scenarios the person was asked to choose one of the following three options:

• I would be less bothered by it.
• it would make little difference.
• I would be more bothered by it.

You can see the survey here if you are interested - https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/L6MXCV3

By finding which scenarios were more likely to induce a negative or positive response a single dancer will be better able to find a dance partner who might already be in a relationship at a social dance event.

Let’s first look at the responses of the men

The top three scenarios that would make men more comfortable with another man dancing with their partners were:

• If I were a better dancer
• If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher
• If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine

The top three scenarios that would bother men most were:

• If the person dancing with my partner was attractive
• If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner, then
• If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner

 

Now the above can be compared with responses from the women.

The top four things that would make women more comfortable were :

• If the person dancing with my partner was a teacher
• If the person dancing with my partner was older
• If the person dancing with my partner was a friend of mine
• If it was in a familiar environment and someone else was dancing with my partner

The two top things that bothered women the most were:

• If we had just had a fight and someone was dancing with my partner
• If it was in a place I had not been before and someone else was dancing with my partner

 

What do the results mean for single dancers?

Two issues were common to men and women. They had a preference for familiar places and preferred their partners dancing with a teacher. This suggests that people would like to be reassured that it is just dancing. Teachers are there for dance and if the place is familiar, then the intensions of others are better understood.

No matter if you are a man or a woman looking for a partner to dance with, make it clear that it is dance that you love. Maybe even try acting like a teacher – without coming off as being full of yourself. Talk to the partner (of the person you would like to dance with) about dance, the things that make dance fun, the things you notice about people who are good to dance with and those who are not. Do not go overboard, you will look suspicious, but by focusing on dance you can make it clear that that is what your intensions are.

This is amplified by trust. Both men and women preferred their partners dancing with friends. Try to be friends and develop trust with the people at any dance event and you should find it easier to dance with their partners.

There is also the issue of security. Both men and women would be less likely to feel comfortable with another person dancing with their partner if they had recently had a fight. This can be hard to pick so you’re best looking for a couple that seem happy together.

Along with security is self-assuredness.

Men would feel better if they themselves were better dancers, suggesting that they dislike their partners dancing with men who are good dancers. Women would prefer their partners dancing with someone older, suggesting that they dislike their partners dancing with younger more attractive women.

You can’t make yourself older and you would rather not dance poorly.

But it’s not you; it’s them.

They need to feel better about themselves. There is only so much you can do about this, but certainly a genuine compliment can help. If you have already become friends with the people there, then your compliments will be genuine. If someone feels better in themselves, then they are more likely to be OK with someone else dancing with their partner. If the source of this better feeling is you, then they will feel even better with you dancing with their partner. We all like compliments – keep them genuine (everyone does something that deserves a compliment), and you will not only have more partners to dance with, but you will make other people feel better.

Gotta love that!