Dance Better Now

How to tell if a lady wants to dance

On the weekend just gone, I was at a street Latin event with a friend who started dancing around the same time as me. We started talking about picking ladies to ask to dance. Part of the conversation was how to pick a lady that would be fun to dance with or one who would be a good dancer. However, the major topic of conversation was how to pick a lady who would say 'yes'. It turns out that I had a few more insights than others so I decided to share these with you.

Many men do worry about asking a woman to dance and have her decline the offer. It would be good if it was the case that men would never say ‘no’ to an invite from a lady, and we men could simply sit back and wait, but I have seen men too decline invites in the past (which really surprised me to see). Thus, if you are a man and you want to dance, then you are going to have to learn to ask.

The easiest way is to look for women who are putting out the signals like those recommended here – http://www.salsacrazy.com/guideforwomen.htm. Ladies, if you would like to be asked more, then the content of that page cannot be recommended enough. I have had female friends use it, and simply never be off the dance floor when they want to dance and use this new found power.

However, not all women know how to consciously send the signals to indicate that they would like to be asked for a dance. That means you need to look for the unconscious signs. However, let’s first talk about why this should even be an issue.

Why do men worry about women saying ‘no’ to a dance?

• No one likes rejection, and this is a type of rejection.
• If one person says ‘no’, then it might set a precedence of others saying ‘no’, and you will feel worse.
• You might worry that the lady you asked saw you dance and has declined because she thinks you are a poor dancer. If you never ask, then you need not confront this possibility.
• There is a sexuality to dance, and thus the social stakes are higher. It’s not something like offering someone a drink, or offering someone help, or letting someone know that they dropped something.

Now that we have some idea of why we worry, it’s worth putting somethings into perspective:

• If someone says ‘no’, then it is usually them, and not you, so always keep in mind that it is not really rejection. This can be harder to accept when a new dancer, but trust me, it’s true. However, for example, many say ‘no’ if they lack faith in their ability, and that could be the reason why.
• You can always walk to another part of the dance event and ask another so the next person you ask does not see the rejection. You can also go back and talk to your friends for a period and then ask another so there is no perceived cycle of ongoing rejection. Finally, just remember, most people were looking somewhere else, and didn’t even see the rejection.
• It’s just dance. So it’s not a major social contract.

Keep the above points in mind and you will at least feel better about asking someone to dance.

Now let’s talk about picking someone who wants to dance:

1. Look at the feet, if a lady’s feet are pointed at the dance floor, then that’s an indication of where she wants to be. If she wants to be on the floor, then she is more likely to respond with a ‘yes’.
2. Look to see if she seems lost. When a lady wants to dance, she will often not be interested in other things going on. This desire for something one does not have often makes us look a little lost.
3. If she keeps looking at the dance floor, then that’s another indication. Even if she is talking to someone, she will likely rather be dancing, and would say ‘yes’ if asked to dance.
4. If a friend she was talking to has just been asked to dance, then she will be more inclined to want the same. If you are a beginner dancer, then you can friend up with someone who is more experienced, and knows who to ask someone to dance. You can then together ask a pair of women for a dance, which makes it easier for all concerned: no-one is left behind and no one left someone behind.
5. If you are offered a conditional ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because she is unsure of her skills, then put her at ease. Either you can show her how to dance or you can say you do not know much either and that you can try working it out together. As long as you are happy about either scenario, then those around you will feel at ease as well, and more inclined to dance.

The above it not complicated, but these few points will make you much more likely to to choose a lady who will give you a ‘yes’ and make asking an easier task.

The above is also true for anyone of any sex asking anyone else. I have only used the context of a man asking a lady because it is more common.

Combat and dance – get some fight in yourself for better dance

For some time now I have been noticing the similarities between martial arts and dance. If you have read my free e-book, then you will have heard me talk about this. However, I have not until now shared my observations on how these similarities can be used to help you dance better. In this blog I am going to highlight a few similarities that I have noticed so that you can see what I mean. Then I will talk about how being aware of the similarities can help make you dance better.

The similarities

The first time I noticed a similarity between dance and martial arts was when I was learning the waltz spin turn. It is a bit like a spin back elbow in Muay Thai. Take a look at the video below.

Notice how you step to the side and then turn. When I was thought that move, there was an extra step with the turn to get extra force. Also notice ion the video how much of the instruction juts feels like that in a dance lesson.

Now notice how in the video below of a waltz spin turn that the 2^nd and 3^rd steps of the turn (at around the 6 second point) have a similarity to the foot work of the spin back below.

The next time I noticed that similarity was when learning the cross body lead in salsa. Take a look at the video below.

It is a lot like the side step used when you need to evade a charging opponent and get at an angle where it is easier to attach them. See the video below and notice the similarity with the foot work. The guy in the red uses a similar side step to evade his opponent. It is effective, but I think the salsa dancer does it more gracefully.

However, it is not all about foot work. Simply leading has a lot of similarities with much of grappling. Take a look at the Krav Maga video below at 4:04. Notice how the person on the receiving end is given such a clear lead that they have no choice, but to move in the desired direction.

 

This is a very clear lead.

Another similarity was a little less obvious. However, it almost seems that the Latin hips used in the related dances is designed to help with the isolation that a good fighter needs to be able to deliver a powerful blow. Take a look at the video below and notice the way each part of the body moves differently to manage the flow of force.

I notice the similarity most when doing samba and the isolated hip movement that is needed. See the video below and notice the need for this ability to move the hip separately from the body, but still in conjunction.

View How to Dance the Samba on Howcast

Perhaps the best example of similarity between dancing and combat is Capoeira a combat style from Brazil that includes dance moves and partner dance like interaction with others. See the video below for an example.

What does this mean?

Mostly, the parallels between dance and combat are interesting. Despite the similarities, I know few who regularly engage in both. It could be because we live in a time poor society, and we can only have so many pass times. However, I suspect that people interested in one are likely to have an aversion to the other. Therefore, few of us will really get a chance to experience the similarities first hand.

It might also be of interest to consider if this contributes to the sexist nature of dance that some argue about. Typically, men lead in partner dance and many of the similarities with combat are congruent with the lead subduing the follow. I don’t contend that this means that dance is sexist, but this comparison does show that if one exaggerates the lead follow relationship, then there would be misogyny within one’s dance. This is something to be aware of.

However, the real advantage of considering this similarity is that it can provide you with a new perspective on dance that can help with learning. If you think of your partner has a combat opponent, then:

• You will be more likely to lead so that their direction of movement is only as desired. If you have the mindset that the follow is an opponent, then you might think more about leading them to where you would need them to be.
• You will understand the need to be out of you dance partner’s way when needed. If you think of your dance partner as an opponent, then you will ensure that you make space for them to move into (so that can’t attack you) – this can help with both leads and follows.
• You will better appreciate the need to be aware of where your “opponent” is, what they are doing and how you should respond. The heightened sense of awareness that can come from pretending you’re in combat could help either a lead or a follow.
• You can express greater character in your dance if it is one that needs extra aggression in its performance. Some dances are about conflict, and expressing that can help. This is especially so if you are exhibiting.

Certainly do not expect fisticuffs next time you dance, but taking this perspective might help at times.